A true lady never loses custody twice!

  I lost custody of my first born child when I was only 6 years old. She was stolen from me and I didn't regain custody until I was about 23. 

     For years, I lived with that dark void. Responsible for carrying the weight of so much empty space. No one ever talks about how heavy that is. I tried to hold on tight to the memories I did have of her. But as time passed, the space grew and memories faded into oblivion. Wasn’t much because you were taken before we could’ve ever gotten to the good..gooooood part. My first born. I wondered where you were for years. I could no longer hear your laugh. Feel your joy. or envision your smile in my mind's eye. 

Whew. 

Eventually, I didn’t wonder about you at all. I pushed the idea of you so far back in my  brain that I forgot you ever existed. People would ask about you. You know? They’d ask me random things, you never watched this movie when you were a child? or you didn’t experience this as a child?, but the truth is, I didn't know you anymore. And I didn't recall any of the moments we once shared together. 

Time moved further and further. 

It’s true, it really doesn't stop for anyone. 

That dark void got filled with a lot of dark shit. It’s what I wanted. What I believed I deserved at least.   

Shit men became my favorite poison. And I was just another person operating from a shit level: pain. 

 It’s so..bizarre though. You know? All of what our story is. How fast-forward to today, it seems no time was ever lost.

With you back, I suddenly remember everything you were. And it’s incredible! How you remained everything that you are. 

You gradually came back in. More and more. And I had no idea you were quietly healing that hole. 

You know, they call me green now! Me! Green! At our age now, I suppose our childlike joy would be expected to mellow out a bit. Haha! I just….laugh though, because what an honor it is to still appear pristine under so many scars. 

Reintegration.

 It worked! 

You are here & we are sooooooo back. Safe, sound & bubbly as ever! 

Immature? Perhaps to some. I’m grown as hell with a spirit frozen at 6. 

But stupid? No way. 

No way can I ever chance losing you again.